I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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