so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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