planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
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