scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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