fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
