I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
