I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
