people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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