I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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