you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Still dying that you shit outside
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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