She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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