What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
