Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
