dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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