Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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