New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
