happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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