So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
