genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
