I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
