Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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