Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
