i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
