How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
