i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
