I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
