Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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