I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
