So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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