Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
