Michael Bay diarrhea
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
