Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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