How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
