What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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