He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
