just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
