she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
