i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
