My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
