I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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