Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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