I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
