Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
