make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
