I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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