So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
