everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
