You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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