Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
