Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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